Ok….this is the fourth attempt at starting this post. I know what I am trying to say but the words are just not coming out in any logical fashion. They are coming out like cheesy cliches – and that is NOT how I want to sound or what I ever want to share in this forum. I am weighed down this morning by a sadness that I can’t seem to express. Why do I read…hear…and almost believe the idea that its ok to be who I am – but can’t seem to actually own that reality and live it every day? Why am I unable to drown out the voices that incessantly chirp in my ear about my shortcomings? Why is the “bad” always easier to believe than the good? Who am I to think that I am ___________ (fill in the blank with anything…worthy, beautiful, okay, able, – you get the idea). I know that I am told that I have been “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14. I read that…I believe it because it is from God…but there are many days where I DO NOT live it. I know deep in my soul that God loves me. I feel his love carry me through dark times and joyfulness. When I am alone in my fears, I cling to His love to sustain me. I do. But I still have doubts at times about ME. I’m not sure how that makes any sense. Perhaps when I fall to the dangerous act of comparing myself to others – it is then that I feel “less than” worthy. Comparison kills confidence for sure. When I am asked to step out and be bold I shrink and hide behind my insecurities. I become like Adam and Eve in the garden – sewing fig leaves to hide their reality. Ashamed of who they were and what they had done, they attempted to hide themselves from God. What do I need to hide? What am I afraid of revealing to the world? (As I type these ramblings of questions – I truly am not sure I can even answer them. As I reread and edit – I am not sure this even makes any sense). I guess my take away from this time spent pondering is that I don’t have to hide from the God who created me. He knows what I am attempting to conceal from the world – my endless insecurities and fear of failure. He knows and yet he loves me anyway. It doesn’t matter what the world sees or thinks, or if they judge and hate. I am broken. But with God I am whole. I am afraid. But with God I have not a spirit of fear. I am insecure. But with God I can do all things. I am weak. But in my weakness I am strong through Christ. I need to stop sewing leaves to hide myself from the judgement of others and stand strong in who I am in God.
Why is it so easy to remember all the bad stuff and so easily forget the good? Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with negative feelings and regrets from the past that I know that are gone…they have been taken away by the blood of Jesus…but I won’t let them go. Why do those feelings resurface so quickly when things get tough? I know and believe with all of my heart each promise that God makes me in the Bible. I believe that I have been made new in him and that I am daily being transformed into the person he wants me to be. So why don’t those feelings – feelings of pride and of being loved unconditionally by my Heavenly Father surface first when life gets tough? Eventually my mind and heart get there, but typically, my first reactions are negative…I’m not good enough, not worthy, etc. I am told through his holy word that God keeps no record of wrongs. I am promised that because of the sacrifice that Christ made for me that I can stand holy and righteous before God. So then why can’t I let all of the past go? Why is it so hard to forget? The devil really knows how to find and play with our weaknesses. He looks at me and says, “I just need to remind her that she’s never felt like she measures up…she’s not worthy.” And he jumps in and grabs hold. Why does his voice sometimes ring louder than the voice of the Holy Spirit who lives within me and guides me every day? I know that I am a beloved child of God. I know that He is stronger than the devil and that he is my guide. I know that I DO NOT have to live with the shame of past mistakes! I guess I just need to let the devil know – loud and clear – that MY GOD loved me even while I was still a sinner and that His love never fails. I need to stop allowing the devil to speak negativity into my world by listening more closely to the voice of the sweet spirit dwelling in me. I have to be the one to forget the hard stuff….cause God already has.
Please forgive me when I listen to the whispers of doubt that play with my mind and my heart. Thank you for loving me enough to save me from myself. I worship and adore you! And I know that you are working in my life each day, and that through that work I continue to grow in your love.