It was love.

crossOn this sacred, holy day there isn’t really much I can say to emphasize the sacrifice the Jesus made for us. My brain cannot come up with the precise words to describe the act that took place on a Friday many, many years ago. My head cannot be wrapped around it…but my heart can feel it.

I have been a Christian most of my life…but I truly feel that I have been a Jesus follower for only a couple of years. I must say that up until the recent past, I just didn’t truly “get it.” Even though I have loved God my whole life, and have tried to do all the “right things,” it wasn’t until hitting rock bottom and crying out to God for guidance that I really started to feel it. Continue reading

Advertisements

Who moved?

So I woke up around 3:45 a.m. unable to breath, feeling the onset of a panic attack and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I hate waking up like that. I am a worrier…its just what I do. I fight it and try earnestly to turn things over to God and let him take care of them. I try. And some days I am very good at that…and some days I am not. When I sat straight up in bed with tears of worry streaming down my face, it caught me off guard. I hadn’t had a night like this in a while. I was worrying about immediate things, things that are out of my control, things that may or may not happen in 20 years. I tossed and turned and tried to clear my mind. I tried to be rational (not an easy task at 4:00 a.m.). The harder I tried to stop worrying, the more I worried. After about an hour of exhausting my list of things to worry about, it hit me. I had been a slacker…I had not been turning things over to God. I had not been praying as often and as focused as I know I need to do. I was not feeling especially close to my God. It had been a subtle “lull” in my relationship with him. And then it hit me some more…I was the one who had changed. God is always ready to guide and lead and listen, but I was the one who had created distance. Just a small bit of space in my relationship – a lack of focus in my prayer life had caused my sense of panic and unrest. I had moved. I find a bit of comfort in that – not that I had let myself down – but that as easy as it was for me to lose my focus, it was just as easy to find my way back!