I haven’t blogged in a long time. For me, writing is very close to my heart. In brings me in touch with who I am and it helps me make sense of the world around me. When sense can’t be made, it allows me to at least express my emotions in the midst of chaos. I don’t know why I have not blogged. I have thought of it every day. Everyday. My confidence in writing has been kidnapped. My ability express my thoughts temporarily hijacked. I have felt like I have had nothing to say…nothing worth any “value.” This morning, I believe I may have turned a corner. Why am I afraid? My words, my writings are me. They are my thoughts and emotions and ideas. And yes that leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed…but that’s ok. My words have value because they are mine. They may not come out in the most eloquent manner – but according to who?
Over the last many months, I have found such a treasure in reading Ann Voskamp’s words. She inspires and challenges and pretty much blows me away with every sentence she pens. And while I am so thankful for the time I spend reading her thoughts, and for the peace and joy her words bring, I have allowed her words to make me feel like I just can’t write. I have said it jokingly often that after I read Ann’s beautiful musings, that I will never write again. She can make doing dishes sound poetic! But those little quips of mine actually became my reality. I have let comparison kill my desire to do what I love. I will never be a great writer. I will always be…just me. But that’s got to be okay. I love writing. It makes my heart happy. It brings peace to my soul. I can’t allow myself to be shut down because someone else does it so much better. I have to learn to turn those feelings of inadequacy into feelings of inspiration. My thoughts are important – if to no one else – to me. My desire is for my writing, in a way, to be a form of worship to God. I can’t let any feeling of “less than” hold back that desire.
So here I am…typing furiously, tears flowing, convincing myself with my own words that its time for me to write again.
I have always said that I love early mornings (when I’m not rushing around trying to get to where I need to be on time). As I sit here this morning looking out over the grass still dripping with early morning dew, I have such a feeling of peace. Life is nowhere near perfect, and there are times when I feel like troubles are closing in around too fast for me to handle. The daily stress of being a single, working mom often feels overwhelming. Until a quiet Saturday morning comes along to quiet all of the “noise” and let me breathe. These moments alone with God are priceless. I know that God is with me all day everyday as I go through life…but on mornings like this, He is more than just “with me, ” He comforts me, reassures me, and blesses me with the beauty that surrounds me. This time together with my God is refreshing! I feel truly blessed to have been able to share this time with such a loving, wonderful God. I am thankful for the peace that only He can provide.
I heard a woman on the radio the other day – I knew I would forget her name) talking about battling depression and the highs and lows that come with it. Since I suffer from depression myself I tuned in to listen more closely. What she said about the valleys made sense to me – that with God being the center of my being, the valleys are not as low, nor do they last as long. She also talked about how when no one else in her life can really “relate” or help her out of the valley – it is so comforting to know that Jesus is there – a constant – surrounding her with his love. I could totally relate to the ideas she expressed. But what she said next really made me think about my perspective on things. She said when she wakes up each morning, she asks the Lord where he is going today… Continue reading →
I heard a saying once – or maybe I read it on a magnet at Cracker Barrel – and I didn’t really commit it to memory intentionally, but I have never forgotten its words and the power of it message in my life. The saying was “Jesus accepts me for who I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way.” Lately this phrase has become really important to me as I seek to continue to grow in my love for the Lord and in my desire to bring people to Him. Through my lowest lows in recent weeks, I keep asking myself why in the world Jesus would want to use me for his work. I’m not the smartest, the most well-spoken, the strongest…I’m broken and often afraid of losing my way. I feel like sometimes I’m not worthy enough to call myself a child of God. And in spite of my broken state, God loves and accepts me for who I am! I don’t have to be anybody else but me. But it gets even better (do I sound like an infomercial…?) Jesus does accept me for who I am – but through his mercy and grace he loves me way too much to leave me like I am. Since I surrendered myself to his will, He has begun to change me. In small ways and in BIG ways. I am His work in progress. He is transforming me, renewing my mind, using me to further his Kingdom, placing amazing people in my path, and allowing me to grow in my faith and in Him. He showers me with mercy and grace in my daily walk. He listens and he speaks. He teaches me to believe when I doubt, to ask for his help when I’m hurt, and to rejoice in him when he has made me glad. He does not turn his back on me when I slip and fall, but rather opens up more to me to help me learn each day. I know that Jesus loves me, and I know that He is working in me to make me a better person every day. He accepts me and keeps changing me with his love. And He’s not finished with me yet.
I love my daddy! I have been so blessed with an awesome father here on earth. He’s lovingly known as Papa to his 13 grandchildren. And will always be daddy to me (even though my siblings make fun of me for still calling him ‘daddy’ at 41 years of age). My daddy is such a Godly, patient, smart, wonderful human being. He’s the kind of guy who can “fix” anything – whether he has the proper tools or not. No matter what the problem, he can figure a way to fix it – kind of like MacGyver. Continue reading →
Last year, Brian and I each chose a word for the year to focus our own personal growth on. The word I chose was “listen”. I chose this word because I felt like it would help me in many areas of my life. My goal was to become a better listener for my students at school, my children at home, and my friends and family. The other part of this goal was to be better at listening to God’s will and guidance in my life. I have often said that I know that life is so much better when I get out of God’s way and let him reveal his plans for me. In order to get myself out of the way, I had to become better at listening to his directions. Too often I just go with my “gut” or my instinct, or, probably closer to the truth, I go with what I want to do…which often is not what God has in mind. Continue reading →
The weekend is over – at least according to the calendar. But it is still being replayed in my mind over and over. It was a weekend that we had anticipated and looked forward to for some time. On December 10, 2010 Faith Passage played our first “show” at Now or Latte Cafe in Trenton, Ohio. We had only begun writing songs a few months prior to this – but couldn’t wait to get out there and share them with people. A lot has changed in this last year Continue reading →