Ok….this is the fourth attempt at starting this post. I know what I am trying to say but the words are just not coming out in any logical fashion. They are coming out like cheesy cliches – and that is NOT how I want to sound or what I ever want to share in this forum. I am weighed down this morning by a sadness that I can’t seem to express. Why do I read…hear…and almost believe the idea that its ok to be who I am – but can’t seem to actually own that reality and live it every day? Why am I unable to drown out the voices that incessantly chirp in my ear about my shortcomings? Why is the “bad” always easier to believe than the good? Who am I to think that I am ___________ (fill in the blank with anything…worthy, beautiful, okay, able, – you get the idea). I know that I am told that I have been “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14. I read that…I believe it because it is from God…but there are many days where I DO NOT live it. I know deep in my soul that God loves me. I feel his love carry me through dark times and joyfulness. When I am alone in my fears, I cling to His love to sustain me. I do. But I still have doubts at times about ME. I’m not sure how that makes any sense. Perhaps when I fall to the dangerous act of comparing myself to others – it is then that I feel “less than” worthy. Comparison kills confidence for sure. When I am asked to step out and be bold I shrink and hide behind my insecurities. I become like Adam and Eve in the garden – sewing fig leaves to hide their reality. Ashamed of who they were and what they had done, they attempted to hide themselves from God. What do I need to hide? What am I afraid of revealing to the world? (As I type these ramblings of questions – I truly am not sure I can even answer them. As I reread and edit – I am not sure this even makes any sense). I guess my take away from this time spent pondering is that I don’t have to hide from the God who created me. He knows what I am attempting to conceal from the world – my endless insecurities and fear of failure. He knows and yet he loves me anyway. It doesn’t matter what the world sees or thinks, or if they judge and hate. I am broken. But with God I am whole. I am afraid. But with God I have not a spirit of fear. I am insecure. But with God I can do all things. I am weak. But in my weakness I am strong through Christ. I need to stop sewing leaves to hide myself from the judgement of others and stand strong in who I am in God.
This morning one of my co-workers said something to me that has resonated in my head all day long. She was telling me about her break and how nice it was to be off, but that she had had some things on her mind and she couldn’t shake them. She said that she felt those worries and issues had robbed her of much of her time and of her peace. Those words painted a strong mental image for me. And they hit very close to home. How often have I let worries rob me? How many times have my insecurities stolen from me? When was the last time I allowed my fears free reign over my time? That one simple sentence made me really stop and think. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of my fears or my worries. I know they are there, and there are times when they are worse than other times. I had just never thought of the fact that I was allowing those feelings of doubt to take away precious time. I really did some soul searching, and I’m sad to say that I have lost countless hours of my life and my precious time worrying, stressing, and being fearful. Its not rare to hear people say that there’s just not enough time in the day…or if I only had more time. Time is precious. Time is a gift. Time should not be wasted – or stolen – by worries for tomorrow. I’m so thankful for those simple words spoken by my friend. As I strive to be the best version of myself in 2012 and to be authentically me, I will no longer allow myself to be robbed by fears and doubts. Rather, I will focus on being present in each moment I am given.