So I woke up around 3:45 a.m. unable to breath, feeling the onset of a panic attack and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I hate waking up like that. I am a worrier…its just what I do. I fight it and try earnestly to turn things over to God and let him take care of them. I try. And some days I am very good at that…and some days I am not. When I sat straight up in bed with tears of worry streaming down my face, it caught me off guard. I hadn’t had a night like this in a while. I was worrying about immediate things, things that are out of my control, things that may or may not happen in 20 years. I tossed and turned and tried to clear my mind. I tried to be rational (not an easy task at 4:00 a.m.). The harder I tried to stop worrying, the more I worried. After about an hour of exhausting my list of things to worry about, it hit me. I had been a slacker…I had not been turning things over to God. I had not been praying as often and as focused as I know I need to do. I was not feeling especially close to my God. It had been a subtle “lull” in my relationship with him. And then it hit me some more…I was the one who had changed. God is always ready to guide and lead and listen, but I was the one who had created distance. Just a small bit of space in my relationship – a lack of focus in my prayer life had caused my sense of panic and unrest. I had moved. I find a bit of comfort in that – not that I had let myself down – but that as easy as it was for me to lose my focus, it was just as easy to find my way back!
>The word overwhelmed has been in my vocabulary a lot it seems recently. I have found myself thinking about that word often. Initially I thought that it might be my creative voice nudging me to start writing our next song. But then I began to hear that word in conversations, other songs, see it in books, blogs, and tweets. And then, as I sat this morning drinking coffee and reflecting on the past weekend, I realized that my life – my world – is overwhelming. I am overwhelmed by God’s plan as it unfolds for me. I am overwhelmed by the love of a wonderful man. I am overwhelmed by the amazing people I meet nearly every day. I am overwhelmed by two children who give me purpose. I am overwhelmed by the opportunity to share my passion with others. I am overwhelmed by the grace of a loving God who sent his son for me. My list could go on and on and on…so much so that it becomes almost overwhelming! There was a time when I was overwhelmed with sadness and doubts and fear – and could never imagine the idea of being overwhelmed by “good.” I am blessed to be able to see this side of overwhelmed.