The following few paragraphs are ramblings from this mornings journal writing. I usually don’t post these stream of consciousness writings…but this is a big part of who I am…those secret thoughts and words tucked away in my journal. I would not be authentic if I only blogged the highlight reel of my life.
I am so NOT happy with my weight/fitness right now. I am heavier than I have ever been. Ever. I feel awful in any clothes I put on. I feel even worse in my own skin. Lately, in order to deal with the pain, I have taken to just making fun of myself. I’ve made self-deprecating jokes about my weight and appearance. But inside I am hurting. Inside I am crying because this is not truly who I am. I feel like this journal entry is one that I’ve written more than once over the last few years. That’s depressing. I’m fighting the same battle, the same demons – and little by little (or lot by lot according to the scale) I am losing the fight. But why?! As I scribble these words I think the answer comes to me. It’s not an earth-shattering revelation…but it does provide me with some clarity. Mentally, I am already defeated. In my mind, I will NOT be successful…so then why even try? If I am certain of failure…why even try to succeed? That truth has permeated other aspects of my life besides just fitness/weight loss. Rather than put it all on the line and try with the knowledge that I may fail, I just “play it safe” and protect myself from the pain and embarrassment of failing. Wow…I am a mess. So, rather than face the possibility of failing, I remain disappointed – no miserable – in my current state. I keep making excuses rather than making progress.
One excuse that my brain tries to tell overweight me is the old “what really matters is what is on the inside…” rationale. I won’t argue that that is not true. It is. And I don’t think that I’m that super vain person who needs to look a certain way for others. Or to keep up with some image the world tells me is perfect. My “insides” are a work in progress. I am always working on the inside me that matters (well – God is doing all that work…I’m just opened up to him to do it.) This battle is about ME. Not others. This is about me believing that I can do what I set my mind to – and even if I trip and fall along the way, it doesn’t mean that I have failed completely and that I am not worthy. I have to believe in myself and when I find that difficult, I have to remind myself that my God is with me and that He is bigger than anything I face. And this anything is really small and superficial when I put it into perspective. I mean, it’s not cancer. I haven’t lost a loved one. I’m not being persecuted for my faith. It’s almost ridiculous that I have filled three pages of my journal writing about my “problem” that in the big scheme of things is really not a problem. I’m almost embarrassed to ask God to help me with this one. It seems so insignificant to bother him with it in light of the events of the world. But I know that my God is at work all the time in every situation. And for me, at this moment in my life, this is what I am facing. God knows and understands the underlying issues in me that make this my challenge at this time. So….I will try again…knowing that I may fail miserable again. But I still must try. I am no longer making excuses…today, I am making progress.