Fight the good fight

Feeling really tired and groggy this morning. Very little sleep. Massive headache. Completely lacking inspiration. I sit here with my Bible open to Hebrews. I intensely read the introduction that describes the time and place it was written, and the meaning and message contained within. About four verses in, my mind wanders…why am I “studying” Hebrews this morning? Or perhaps the better question would be, what am I avoiding by studying Hebrews this morning? Why am I not reflecting on the real stuff that is on my heart right now? And I’m fairly certain I know the answer. My heart is not good currently. In a lot of ways, it is hurting. I have some serious issues going on in my heart right now and I guess I just don’t really want to face them. I really have some serious work to do on my heart – NO, I need to let go, realize I can’t do the work that needs done, and allow Jesus to work on my heart, because right now, its a bit of an ugly mess. I am ashamed and embarrassed…but I can’t fix it. I have to sincerely admit that my heart is not right, and ask God to work in me…to take it away from me. That is so hard for me to do. Through Christ I have grown so much and have found amazing freedom from all that has held me down in the past…but everyday its like my human nature (the old me) fights my redeemed self for control. My nature is to wall up, crawl into a hole and choose to be numb when things get tough and I am hurting. But the Spirit that lives within me will not allow me to live that way any longer. The Spirit within me prompts me to fight the good fight, and fights for me to break old ways, destroy negative habits and be who I am in Christ. Its a constant battle that rages between my old self and the new me in Christ. But it is surely a fight worth fighting.

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