There are many nights that I lie in bed trying to slow my mind down so that I can catch four or five hours sleep (at best). It often proves to be a difficult task for me to shut out all of the thoughts, to do lists, worries, and responsibilities though. But last night, it wasn’t my mind racing that I battled. Last night I was troubled beyond the typical clean ball uniform, crazy practice schedule, grades due worries. Last night my heart was full…full of anger and hurt feelings and resentment. I am human and as much as I fight those types of feelings, they attack me still. And last night they weighed so heavily on my heart that it was nearly too much for me to carry.
Too much for ME to carry…
So why am I trying to carry it alone?!?
Why is my need to be in control so strong that I don’t allow God to carry my burdens for me? Jesus tell me to come to him with my heavy burdens and he will give me rest. He doesn’t want me to struggle through life – or even through one night – carrying a load that is unbearable. I get so frustrated with myself for carrying around feelings that I know are not…good and right (for lack of better words). And so I shared my feelings and concerns with my amazing Godly husband and did my best to sleep.
When I woke up this morning and prepared my mind and heart for my daily walk in the word, I was “guided” to Galatians. To this passage in Galatians “16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.” In this case, my sinful nature was my thoughts and feelings of anger and resentment. But if I let the Spirit guide me that sinful nature…those ugly emotions become this…”22But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, and self-control.”
Personally those sound like much more attractive traits to be carrying around. And the Spirit is in me because of God’s love for me. I have to get out of the way and let the Spirit lead…it comes down to my stubbornness and control. I am not capable on my own to rid myself of the sinful ugly stuff. I don’t have to be strong enough to do that because God IS strong enough.
I am so thankful for the gentle voice of the Spirit that guided my heavy heart this morning. I’m no longer carrying so much of the heavy ugly stuff…but rather I am letting the Spirit lead me as I learn to produce a new, more appealing fruit…and it’s much lighter to carry.