Why do I feel so alone…

The house is quiet. It’s late. I’m alone. I spent a beautiful evening at Foundation Community Churchs Christmas by Candlelight service tonight with our new church family. Pastor Scott and Jennifer created a lovely atmosphere, Pastor Simon (Scott’s dad) brought an awesome message, the food was delicious, communion and candlelighting were powerful…basically an awesome night. Then we went on to Brian’s mom’s house with his kids to celebrate and open presents. We smiled and laughed and really had a good time together. And then it was time to go home. Me. Alone. This year my kids are with their dad all Christmas weekend. Shared parenting is so tough this time of year. They left early this morning – the 23rd – and will be back mid afternoon on Christmas day. For the very first time in their lives, I will not be with them on Christmas morning to watch them open gifts. I’m having a rough time dealing with that. I left Brian’s mom’s house tonight and drove home – to an empty house. So, I sat down to have myself a pity party…for one. Those really aren’t any fun either. Last year Brian and I wrote a song simply called “Alone.” The lyrics of the first part of the song went like this; “Why do I feel so alone…Where has my faith gone…When will I find my way…Who’s going to save me.” It was not a real uplifting song, but the message was strong. Basically, when we feel alone – when we cry out to God – He is there! He never leaves us. If we are far from God – we are the ones who have moved from Him. He does not change…he does not move. So as I sat down to feel sorry for my lonely self tonight, it really hit me. I’m not alone. I’m never alone. My God is always with me. In my self-pity, I’m the one who failed to let God be with me. I feel so ashamed when I let myself get in God’s way. Yes, I am alone tonight…missing my kids, missing Brian, feeling a bit blue…but I’m never alone. Over 2000 years ago, a young, unwed, expectant couple traveled through the night to Bethlehem. With nowhere to stay, they ended up in a dirty animal pen. Alone. Mary gave birth to a baby boy…her mother was not there with her…she and Joseph brought their son into the world…alone. But they were not alone because God was with them. God sent shepherds and wise men with gifts. God showed up in a big way that night in a lowly manger. Its comforting to know that the same God that watched over Joseph and Mary on that lonely night is here with me…watching over me. The same God! He never changes. I am in awe of that God! I am a broken mess, and yet he is with me. He will never leave me alone.

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6 comments on “Why do I feel so alone…

  1. Kim says:

    love you, Julie. I can’t imagine not having your babies with you for Christmas, and my heart hurts for you. Your perspective is right-on, but it still stinks. Call me anytime. Love you, friend.

  2. Michael says:

    Nice post. Can I have the pleasure of sharing ALONE with you. Adored, Loved and Obviously needed Very much by Everyone. As a matter of fact, I have a post on this. Well, have a Merry Christmas and God Bless. Michael.

  3. Sandra Stidham says:

    Julie,
    This is one of your very best essays. Very well written. I too am alone on Christmas. To me ithas always been the worst part of the whole season. But not tonight. God has been very close tonight and I’m proud of you for working your way through this difficult time. I love you
    Sandra

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